What's new....

Well I requested my transcripts from LBCC, now I need to enroll in class at MSJC and get this ball rolling. I also found a lady who will get me CPR and First Aid certified for $45 at her home in Hemet. I have turned in several applications, but not really hearing anything back. I am also working on marketing for a new clothing line called DEA Clothing. I am listing on Etsy for this line as well as my own. You can check out this line at www.DEAClothing.com or on etsy at www.DEAClothing.etsy.com. I know everything will fall into place with a little patience. I just never wanted so much, so bad, so fast. Well, that's where I am now. Hope to have more good news soon!

Felt like writing last night...

The Greatest Man

The greatest man I ever loved
I let slip away.
He's never quite that far from me
as I see reminders everyday.
But the miles between us hurt so bad,
to touch him once again.
I hear him in a song,
I see him in a dream,
and think of what should have been.
I smell him from time to time,
and remember what we had.
I hope one day we meet again
so I can have the greatest man.


Your...

Your touch... heeling
Your voice... mesmerizing
Your smile... contagious
Your mind... intriguing
Your eyes... inviting
your smell... intoxicating

Felt like writing last night, this is what I came up with. I hope to write some more again soon as I enjoy it and miss it. Hopefully others enjoy it too. Thank you, Heather

For those who want to talk ABOUT me....

For those of you who would like to talk ABOUT me, but are too coward to say who you are or talk to me, I give you this. You know nothing about me or my situation. Yes, I live with my parents again. I have been back in California for just over 4 years. I moved home and shortly after my husband of 5 years left me with a 3 year old child to take care of. I found a job and got her into preschool, I paid for ALL of my bills and her schooling and helped where I could with household expenses, including buying food for her and I and the rest of the house. I did get pregnant again, and yes I chose to keep him, but so did his dad. I moved out and was paying my own way until I was put on bed rest. I went and got whatever I could from the state. During this time I ended up losing my job. Yes my parents helped out in covering what I could not for about 3 months until my lease was up. At this time I moved in with my sons father where I lived for a year. The living situation got very ugly and bad, so I did what was in the best interest of my kids and left. That was when I moved out here. Yes my parents once again assisted me in paying for what I could not while I lived with a roommate and was trying to get established out here. Also during all of this my daughter, who has an eye condition diagnosed at 9 months and has required 2 surgeries, was also diagnosed with ADHD. I have taken her to many psychiatrist, psychologist, doctor, and school appointments and done a lot of research trying to help her. And to each and every appointment I have taken my son as well. Not asked my parents to watch him or to take her, but ME! While living with this roommate I discovered she was stealing the money we were giving her to go party as well as stealing food for my kids to feed her own. She was facing eviction so I again moved in with my parents. This leads us to present day. I was under the false pretense that someone was going to do whatever he could to move out here and make it right, it never happened, it never will happen, and it was my bad to think it would happen. I have been to the welfare office, I only qualify for Medi-Cal. I get too much in child support for cash aid and don't qualify for unemployment to get cal works. So, with that being said, I have learned many lessons in my journey, most of which, don't trust or rely on men! As for my posting my resume, so many said they want to help and most jobs are had by who you know. So, who do you know? IS there anyone out there who can send my resume on for a decent job to help me get on track? Oh, and I have done some research, it will cost me $150-200 a week for child care for my son. Not sure about my daughter as I cannot find anyone who does drop off/pick up at her school. Plus she needs extra help and attention for homework. Also, I need to meet with her school about once a month to go over her progress and see what can be done to continue keeping her up with her class. And for those who think I just lounge around here eating bon-bons while my parents take care of us, you're wrong! I get my kids up every morning, feed them, get my daughter to school even summer school, bathe them, change them, wash our clothes, tuck them in at night, play with them, teach them, all the things that a parent SHOULD do, everyday, except for when I have to go to work! Yes work! A part time thing that I am lucky to do on occasion, especially lately! Oh, and I am posting my resume elsewhere, like job search engines, but how would you know that unless you asked.

Life's about choices....

Yes, I chose to have my kids, and I chose who to have them with. However, it goes the other way as well. Their dads chose to have these amazing kids and with me as well. So why do so many people want to put the responsibility completely on my shoulders, that I am to eat, sleep, and breath the kids and nothing else. Meanwhile their dads get to have free time to go hang with friends and do whatever without a care in the world. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death and I love spending time with them, but an occasional break for a couple of hours without hearing "mom" would be nice. Adult conversation would be nice too, talking with a 2 year old or 8 year old only goes so far. Want to know about the Jonas Brothers? iCarly? How about Caillou? or Zaboomafoo? hahaha.

Another thought, I don't want empty promises and dreams that go unfulfilled. If you say you are going to do something, do it! 110%, put all your heart and time into it. Otherwise, it means nothing to me. Better yet, those are your dreams, do what you want with them, but I have my own dreams, and I intend to make them true, ON MY OWN!

You will not drag me down! I will not stoop to your level, I will not be sad and lonely just because you are. I will create my own happiness and bathe in it! I will drink it up till I am drunk on it! I will remain on my own self induced, natural high!

Nobody owns me, except maybe the government and my kids...hahaha! I will do what I want, choose who to keep around me, choose who to talk with, choose when to end a conversation or association, I will choose..... MY LIFE!

Finally, be true! Not just to others, but yourself. My brother couldn't have put it better in his own life blog, "...tonight I saw some ooooooold friends that I haven't seen in years. While there, the little voice in my head kept telling me that I should lie and say I'm already successful and things couldn't be better. This scared me because I've conditioned my own damn head to actually believe I am what I want to be, even though I'm not yet." (Kyle Evans, Blog post) So just tell the truth, people will find out anyways, and then you just look lame. I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that I live with my parents, because if I didn't who knows where my 2 kids and I would be.

....Just had another thought, more like an appology, to my daughter.

Hailey, I am sorry for all that you have been through in your short life, some that was nobody's fault, some that was my own. I am sorry to have drug you through my own selfishness and my own wants. I am sorry that I have tainted your perception of what a relationship should be and what a father should be. I promise from here forward I will do whatever it takes to correct that so when you are older you don't make bad choices and will be happy.
I love you,
Mom

Where do I go from here?

So, from here, I go forward. I do not take my past with me. I learn from it, and leave it behind me. I have started this by not relying or assuming that because I live at home, my parents will continue to take care of me and my kids. I did do this to some degree the last time I had to move home, but not now. I cook dinner at least 3 days a week, I do my own wash, feed and bathe my kids, take them everywhere with me unless babysitting is offered, and do things for the house like mop, dishes, grocery shopping, run errands, etc. Recently I have overheard my mom talk to others who think I don't do much and let them do it all for me. It has made me feel good and proud to hear her correct them in their thinking and let these people know that I do all the things I would have to do if I didn't live here. Thanks mom! and dad! I am also doing the best I can to pay my bills, though hard at times when there's not much coming in.

I will execute to the fullest, moving forward:

• this business of mine. I will better time manage my working time, blogging time, marketing time, etc.
• doing more things away from the house with my kids
• being myself, happy, confident, uplifted, goal oriented, and determined!
• being unafraid to say what's on my mind and show my true self
• knowing when to listen, when to speak, and when to just walk away
• putting off for another day or time
• being more organized
• stopping to smell the roses
  

Clean Slate

Ok, so here goes.... I am wiping my slate clean. I am starting over, and this time vow to get it right! For too long I have been afraid of what others might think of me, what I do, what has happened in my life, etc. NO MORE! From here forward, I will not let outside influences drag me down or try to change me. If you do not like who I am, I didn't need you before, and I don't need you in the future. No more road blocks. I WILL find a detour somehow, someway. That being said, who am I?

I am a 32 year old female who has 2 kids. They are from 2 different dads (insert gasp here). I have been married twice, and divorced twice (another gasp). (I am starting to see a trend with 2's. hahaha) I live at home with my parents, who have been more than gracious to take us in with the pending economy. I have been half heartedly trying to start my own business. And I have not owned up to a lot of things in my life, nor tried to correct them..........Till Now!